Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
