My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
