Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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