I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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