You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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