I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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