Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
