i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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