he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
