I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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