I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
