I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
