I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
