if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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