Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
