I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
