i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
