Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
