How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
