new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
