You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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