Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
