Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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