Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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