she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
