before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
