i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
