Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
