he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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