I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
