you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
