I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
