I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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