you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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