I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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