how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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