I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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