Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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