he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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