I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
