:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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