Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
