I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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