So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
