Screwed.edu
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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