how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
