I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It was confusing and full of hummus
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
