So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Vodka?
Forever.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
