God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
