he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
