I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
